Advantages of Tiger Over Jesus

– Jesus must take at least some responsibility for the Crusades, corrupt Popes, child-molesting Priests, evolution-denying Creationists, and phony Televangelists. Tiger must take responsibility for making an occasional triple bogie, not letting Fuzzy Zoeller off the hook sooner, making too much money, a couple of swing-change-induced slumps, and losing to Ed Fiori at the 1996 Quad City Classic.

– Since his own death, millions of people have died sometimes-gruesome deaths directly or indirectly because of Jesus. To this day, NO ONE is known to have died in ANY manner because of Tiger Woods.

– We have no idea EXACTLY when or where Jesus was born, and most of us incorrectly believe it was somewhere in Bethlehem (scholars are almost universally convinced it was in Nazareth). We KNOW that Tiger was born on December 30th, 1975 in Cypress, California.

– We have no audio, video, or even handwriting samples to prove that Jesus even existed. We have video of almost every major moment of Tiger’s life since he was born.

– Jesus lived in a time period in which the smartest living people thought that a flat earth was created in six days, had never heard of dinosaurs, DNA, dustmites or Denmark, had no clean water, indoor plumbing, or electricity, and who never even conceived of traveling on anything faster than a camel or communicating with anything better than calligraphy. Tiger lives in a nation and an age where (except in West Virginia and some parts of the deep south) even the dumbest people are far more advanced than that.

– Jesus was supposedly sent by God to spread his word and yet he lived at a time of no mass communication, meaning that not only would there be no reliable way to record his life, but that it would be at least 30 years after his DEATH before anyone even tried. Tiger’s life just happens to coincide with the worldwide mass communication revolution.

– Jesus was turned on by his followers in favor of Barabbas and was crucified. Tiger was turned on by his followers at the 1999 PGA Championship in favor of Sergio Garcia and won the tournament anyway.

– The Bible says that Jesus had crowds of up to 4-5,000 (not including women and children) following him as he preached. Tiger routinely draws that kind of audience when he plays a practice round at a regular Tour event.

– At 30 Jesus was totally unknown and penniless. At 30 Tiger is worth hundreds of millions of dollar, already opened up a 25 million dollar youth learning center, won 12 major championships and is far bigger in Asia than Jesus will ever be.

– From a purely objective perspective, exactly what did Jesus accomplish during his life? Sure, he changed some water into wine, fed a hungry crowd with a picnic basket, healed a few sick people, and created a small band of loyal and passionate supporters. Not bad, but as a carpenter from Nazareth he really wasn’t under a whole lot of pressure from expectations. Under more pressure than any athlete in the history of man, Tiger’s accomplishments already stack up favorably and he has MANY more followers than Jesus ever dreamed of having during his lifetime.

– Jesus’ ethnic heritage is of some debate and is almost certainly confined in its origin to the Middle East. Tiger is filled, literally, with the blood of the world. Tiger is one-quarter African, one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-eighth Caucasian, and one-eighth American Indian. He refers to himself as “Cablainasian.”

– Jesus’ earthy father (Joseph) stayed with his mother even though she told him she was pregnant by the Holy Ghost. Tiger’s parents were smart enough to split.

– Tiger’s peers (an arrogant and jaded group) seem a heck of a lot more impressed with him than Jesus’ peers ever were (at least during his life).

– Jesus washed the feet of his Apostles to show his humility and serventhood. Tiger caddied for his good friend Jerry Chang for 36 holes in 100 degree heat,washing his clubs and balls along the way (much more humbling for a man than just washing feet).

– Those closest to Jesus: a bunch of fishermen and a prostitute. Those closest to Tiger: Mark O’Meara, Michael Jordan, Ken Griffey, Jr., Charles Barkely, Steve Williams, and Elin Woods.

– Jesus was crucified and died a horrible death. Tiger was heavily criticized for changing his swing and then proved everyone (including the Pastor of the First Church of Tiger Woods) wrong.