Recently, in a discovery that was largely ignored by the “liberal” media, some astonishing scrolls were found deep within a cave along the rocky coastline of Scotland. Archeologists have dated the remarkably preserved writings to the early 1800s around the time the game of golf began. Most scholars have shrugged off these works as the irrelevant ramblings of an ancient caddie named Holen Oneus. But we at the First Church of Tiger Woods believe that a closer inspection of this sacred document shows this Holen Oneus to be perhaps the greatest prophet man has ever known. We invite you to read his words and decide for yourself.

IN the Empire of milk and Honey, in the land of the sun, near the gates of the city of angels, during the time of the bear with the golden coat….There shall be born a boy.

This boy shall be of the blood of the east and the west, and his face shall be formed by the golden brown residue from a melting pot of many separate tribes. The child shall take the common name of the leopard and shall share its grace, speed and strength. His sir name shall be both from the trees that make up the forest and the tools of the boy’s craft.

The boy who takes this name shall learn at the feet of his Father, who shall be an honored warrior and bare the face of the one known as yoda. The child shall wield his father’s battle sticks with such prowess as to make his elders take notice. At the age of two the boy and his father shall visit three noted men of humor who shall be astonished and humbled by the boy’s talents. The father shall boast wildly of his boy and be mocked by those of weak faith. But those who scorn him shall not feel his wrath, but only be forced to feast on THE crow.

This man-child shall conquer all who attempt to challenge him. Three times he will hoist the silver meant for boys. Three times more shall he drink from the cup of the men who do battle without payment. A bearded white Knight from the northwest shall Then shower the man-child with great riches and together they shall build an empire marked with a swoosh.

As the boy becomes a man he shall astound all who witness his powers and he shall know more riches, fame and glory than any man who had ever come before. The chosen one shall vanquish and demoralize those who were previously arrogant and he shall force the scribes to use up all their words. He shall court the woman whose name shall provide a hint of his true purpose.

Even the bear with the golden coat shall acknowledge that the Chosen one is greater than he and the boy shall show majestic mercy towards the bear.

As A man, the Chosen one shall have no apparent flaws, but for a mane that recedes like the ocean and teeth, which provide a blinding light. He shall keep the company of others who are also great with the ball, but even they shall bow down to his Authority. He and the Bearded white Knight shall sends pictures throughout the globe that shall amaze even those to whom awe does not flow naturally. As the calendar shows many zeros, He shall come to hold all the great silver all at once, but there shall still be those who will deny the “grand” nature of this triumph.

There shall come to pass a time when the true word of the chosen one will be spread by a speaker of many jobs and little note. He will be of good intentions and many years before his time. He shall be misunderstood and ridiculed, but he shall not be deterred. When word of this man’s work reaches the chosen one there shall be no denial, nor shall there be confirmation, for the time will not yet be right.

Unfortunately, the remainder of the prophecy of Holen Oneus was damaged in a fire and is not currently decipherable. However, we at the First Church of Tiger Woods believe that what we already DO have here is CLEARLY the true prophesy of coming of Tiger Woods.