Archive for December, 2001

Many followers of other, sometimes more popular, religions have turned to the prophecies of the Bible to try to prove that their Messiah is indeed the fulfillment of the scriptures. While we at the First Church of Tiger Woods are somewhat skeptical of this device because so much is left to one’s own interpretation, we feel that we can play this game as well as any other faith. Below are just some of the biblical prophecies that seem to indicate to us that they were actually intended to refer to Tiger Woods.

Proverbs 22:15 “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”

Obviously this passage refers to Tiger’s wildness off the tee as a youth.

Isaiah 11:8 “And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp.”

A snake hole and a golf hole are about the same size, aren’t they? Plus, we are quite certain that there were snakes somewhere on the first course Tiger played.

Jeremiah 28:13 “Thus saith the LORD; Thou hast broken the yokes of wood; but thou shalt make for them yokes of iron.”

It is apparently not just coincidence that Tiger came around right as golf switched from wooden woods to metal woods.

Psalm 89:32 “Then will I visit their transgression with the rod, and their iniquity with stripes.”

Tiger, with his stripes, punishes his opponents with his clubs.

Psalm 31:4 “Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.”

Tiger is an excellent bunker player.

Revelations 12:5 “And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron.”

Here the scriptures predict how Tiger, at a young age, will dominate the world with his irons.

Isaiah 10:15 “as if the rod should shake itself against them that lift it up, or as if the staff should lift up itself, as if it were no wood.”

Isaiah is obviously writing of the ease with which Tiger swings the club, almost like it swings itself.

Isaiah 11:5 “But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth: and he shall smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips shall he slay the wicked.”

Here he refers to Tiger taking divots and predicts Tiger will fight evil with words from his rather large lips.

Zachariah 8:4 “Thus saith the Lord of hosts: There shall yet old and old women dwell in the streets, and every man with his staff in his hand through multitude of days. And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls, playing in the streets therof.”

This scripture foretells the increase in popularity of golf due to Tiger’s emergence, especially among inner city youths.

Isaiah 42:16 “I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them and crooked things straight.”

Ezekiel 12:12 “The prince among them will put his things on his shoulder at dusk and leave, and a hole will be dug in the wall for him to go through. He will cover his face so that he cannot see the land.”

Zachariah 14:6 “There shall be one day, which is known to the Lord, not day nor night; and in the time of the evening there shall be light.”

These passages are obvious references to Tiger’s final hole at the 2000 NEC Invitational where he hit his second shot to within two feet in complete darkness and the gallery spontaneously lit his way with cigarette lighters.

Isaiah 63:2 “Wherefore art thou red in thine apparel, and thy garments like him that treadeth in the winefat?”

Nahun 2:3 “The shield of his mighty men is made red, the valiant men are in scarlet.”

Jeremiah 4:30 “thou clothest thyself with scarlet”

Daniel 5:7 “shall be clothed with scarlet, and have a chain of gold about his neck, and shall be the third ruler in the kingdom.”

Now we understand why Tiger wears Red on Sundays (and yes, he used to wear a gold chain and, behind Bobby Jones and Jack Nicklaus, could be considered the third ruler of the golf kingdom).

Isaiah 41:2-5 “He shall rule over kings. He shall give them as the dust to his sword, as stubble driven by the wind, to his bow. He shall pursue them, he shall pass in peace, no path shall appear after his feet.”

Tiger has already largely fulfilled this prophecy (just ask the “King” Arnold Palmer), and may complete it when he switches from metal spikes to spikeless golf shoes.

Isaiah 41:11 “Behold all that fight against thee shall be confounded and ashamed, they shall be as nothing, and the men shall perish that strive against him.”

Isaiah 43:20 “The beast of the field shall glorify me;”

Isaiah 52:13-14 “he shall be exalted, and extolled, and shall be exceedingly high. As many have been astonished at thee,”

Jeremiah 46:15 “Why are thy valiant men come to nothing? They stood not, because the Lord hath overthrown them.”

Isaiah and Jeremiah apparently understood how demoralizing Tiger’s domination would be to his opponents.

Jeremiah 10:6 “There is none like to thee, O Lord: thou art great, and great is thy name in might.”

We already know how GREAT Tiger is, but did you know that his name spelled backwards in Latin (Regit) means “he reigns.”

Isaiah 11:6 “the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.”

Isaiah 53:5 “with his stripes we are healed.”

Luke 12:48 “But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.”

These passages can easily be interpreted to show the significance and power of the “Tiger,” and to illustrate the unprecedented pressure and burden of expectations that he has faced and conquered.

Levititcus 13:41 “And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean.”

Here the Bible absolves Tiger of one of his few faults, his receding hairline.

Psalm 69:4 “They that hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of mine head: they that would destroy me, being mine enemies wrongfully, are mighty: then I restored that which I took not away.”

Lots of people do hate Tiger for no good reason, but judging from that hairline, those numbers are decreasing every day.

Song of Solomon 4:2 “Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof everyone bears twins, and none is barren among them.”

Genesis 49:12 “His eyes shall be red with wine (fire in the eyes?), and teeth white with milk.”

Isaiah 41:15 “I have made thee as a new threshing vain, with teeth like a saw.”

Now we know why Tiger’s teeth are so big, white, and bright.

Haggai 2: “The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts.”

Isaiah 60:9 “bring thy sons from far, their silver and gold with them, unto the name the Lord our God.”

Here the Bible defends Tiger for accepting all of that endorsement money.

Isaiah 7:15 “Butter and honey shall he eat, that he may know to refuse the evil, and choose the good.”

Tiger’s love of fast food is now explained.

Jeremiah 23:19-20 “Behold the whirlwind of the Lord’s indignation shall come forth, and a tempest shall break out and come upon the head of the wicked (slice?).”

Ezeckiel 13:13 “Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; I will even rend it with a stormy wind in my fury; and there shall be an overflowing shower in mine anger,”

For those who are bothered by Tiger’s temper, the Bible offers an explaination.

Ezechiel 31:2-9 “Son of man, speak to Pharaoh king of Egypt, and to his people: To whom art thou like in greatness?”

Ezechiel’s detailed/longwinded answer is that the Son of man is as great as robust forest, or “Woods.”

Isaiah 41:18 “I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.”

Apparently Isaiah believes that many fertile golf courses will be built because of Tiger, or perhaps that He will become a course designer himself.

Ecclesiastes 1:6 “The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to HIS circuits.”

Ezekiel 12:14 “And I will scatter toward every wind all that are about him to help him, and all his bands;”

Jeremiah 30:23 “See, the storm of the LORD will burst out in wrath, a driving wind swirling down on the heads of the wicked”

Mark 4:39,41 “And he arose, and rebuked the wind, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” “And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?”

Tiger is a master at sensing and calculating the forces of nature, especially the wind, which seems to die down quite often when he is playing.

Recently, in a discovery that was largely ignored by the “liberal” media, some astonishing scrolls were found deep within a cave along the rocky coastline of Scotland. Archeologists have dated the remarkably preserved writings to the early 1800s around the time the game of golf began. Most scholars have shrugged off these works as the irrelevant ramblings of an ancient caddie named Holen Oneus. But we at the First Church of Tiger Woods believe that a closer inspection of this sacred document shows this Holen Oneus to be perhaps the greatest prophet man has ever known. We invite you to read his words and decide for yourself.

IN the Empire of milk and Honey, in the land of the sun, near the gates of the city of angels, during the time of the bear with the golden coat….There shall be born a boy.

This boy shall be of the blood of the east and the west, and his face shall be formed by the golden brown residue from a melting pot of many separate tribes. The child shall take the common name of the leopard and shall share its grace, speed and strength. His sir name shall be both from the trees that make up the forest and the tools of the boy’s craft.

The boy who takes this name shall learn at the feet of his Father, who shall be an honored warrior and bare the face of the one known as yoda. The child shall wield his father’s battle sticks with such prowess as to make his elders take notice. At the age of two the boy and his father shall visit three noted men of humor who shall be astonished and humbled by the boy’s talents. The father shall boast wildly of his boy and be mocked by those of weak faith. But those who scorn him shall not feel his wrath, but only be forced to feast on THE crow.

This man-child shall conquer all who attempt to challenge him. Three times he will hoist the silver meant for boys. Three times more shall he drink from the cup of the men who do battle without payment. A bearded white Knight from the northwest shall Then shower the man-child with great riches and together they shall build an empire marked with a swoosh.

As the boy becomes a man he shall astound all who witness his powers and he shall know more riches, fame and glory than any man who had ever come before. The chosen one shall vanquish and demoralize those who were previously arrogant and he shall force the scribes to use up all their words. He shall court the woman whose name shall provide a hint of his true purpose.

Even the bear with the golden coat shall acknowledge that the Chosen one is greater than he and the boy shall show majestic mercy towards the bear.

As A man, the Chosen one shall have no apparent flaws, but for a mane that recedes like the ocean and teeth, which provide a blinding light. He shall keep the company of others who are also great with the ball, but even they shall bow down to his Authority. He and the Bearded white Knight shall sends pictures throughout the globe that shall amaze even those to whom awe does not flow naturally. As the calendar shows many zeros, He shall come to hold all the great silver all at once, but there shall still be those who will deny the “grand” nature of this triumph.

There shall come to pass a time when the true word of the chosen one will be spread by a speaker of many jobs and little note. He will be of good intentions and many years before his time. He shall be misunderstood and ridiculed, but he shall not be deterred. When word of this man’s work reaches the chosen one there shall be no denial, nor shall there be confirmation, for the time will not yet be right.

Unfortunately, the remainder of the prophecy of Holen Oneus was damaged in a fire and is not currently decipherable. However, we at the First Church of Tiger Woods believe that what we already DO have here is CLEARLY the true prophesy of coming of Tiger Woods.

The following is an article the Pastor has submitted to Maximum Golf Magazine…….

The Day We Were Better Than David Duval

I believe most people who enter sweepstakes are stupid. After all, the chances of winning are remote and entering is simply a waste of time and an invitation to receive more junk mail.

However, when my brother-in-law (who always enters these types of contests) happened to win the grand prize in the national Footjoy “Play against David Duval” sweepstakes, I had absolutely no problem accepting his offer to join him (along with my brother) in a three-man team contest against one of the world’s best players. The 18-hole match on the TPC Stadium course would be the culmination of a three-day trip to Ponte Vedra, Florida and would feature Footjoy’s lovable TV character “Sign Boy” as the scoreboard carrier.

For my brother-in-law (Brad Fouss), this confluence of events was an unimaginable dream come true. Just a few short years ago he had entered our family as a 40-handicapper, but after hitting more range balls than any married man with a toddler should ever be allowed to, he had earned our respect by whittling his way down to a handicap of about 18. In a world were justice is so rarely done, he truly deserved this trip. His choice of my brother and me to join him was based not only on our friendship, but probably more so on the fact that I am a “scratch” (more like a solid 2-3 right now) player who has played in two national amateur events and my brother (Bob Ziegler) is an erratic 8 handicapper who is capable of flashes of greatness.

While preparing for the big event we happened to run into PGA Tour star Brad Faxon a couple of weeks before we would play against Duval. Eager to find out what we could expect from Duval, whose reputation is that of someone who keeps to himself, I asked Faxon what he thought we were in for. He told me, “You should have a great time with ‘Sign Boy’.” Just to make sure I had not misunderstand his obvious omission, I asked if that meant David would not be into it. His wife quickly chimed in that as along as we did not engage David in conversation, everything would be just fine. Obviously, at this point, our expectations for the social aspects of the trip could not have been much lower.

When we got to Jacksonville for the event we also realized that we should not count on actually beating David Duval. As we got to know “Sign Boy” (a talented actor named Matt who is just as funny in person as he is in the commercials), he continually disabused us of any delusions of grandeur that we might have had. Quite simply, even though the three of us would be playing a scramble against Duval, no one gave us much of a chance and we began to buy into that premise (especially after our practice round at the Stadium course where I failed to break 80, Bob didn’t break 90 and Brad shot over 100).

The morning of the match I approached Jim Furyk on the driving range (many tour pros use that facility as there home course). I briefly explained to him about the contest and divulged our handicaps so that he might be able to give us some idea if we really had any hope of actually winning. He asked what tees we would be playing and, when I told him that we would all be hitting from the championship markers, he flatly predicted that we didn’t have a prayer.

When we finally met David we were all pleasantly surprised to find out that he was actually VERY nice and quite funny. When Brad nervously poked his opening drive far short of the fairway and tried to claim that the ball had gone about 175, Duval jokingly retorted, “about 175… minus the one.”

While Brad and Bob tried to adjust to the pressure of the situation (we had a small gallery following us for the first few holes) I managed to scratch us out two routine pars to start things off, while David easily birdied (while confidently noting that he was closer in two than we were in three) the par 5 second hole to take a one shot lead. On the third hole, David failed to get up and down from basically the same spot from which my brother and me almost holed our chips for birdie. We were tied and had the honor for the first time.

On the fourth hole the match changed forever. My brother, whose primary goal was to out drive Duval once, ripped his tee shot right down the middle about 280 yards. “Obviously” intimidated by Bob’s mighty blast, David then hit the type of shot that would have been surprisingly bad had it come from your average hacker and not from the 4th ranked player in the world who just six days earlier had teamed with Tiger Woods to win the World Cup. David’s drive was a high block that clipped an overhanging tree and splashed into a creek that was way right of the fairway. Suddenly the joking stopped. We were all stunned into silence.

We were no less shocked when David took what appeared to be a VERY disadvantageous drop (I didn’t have the heart to ask him what he was doing) and ripped a 3-wood from hardpan to a pin about 250 yards away. Unfortunately the ball only carried 242 and ended up in the water fronting the green. David ended up making seven and (after Brad made a nice approach and putt) we made a birdie three. We were suddenly up by 4 over David Duval!

On the next tee David showed his competitive side by slyly asking whether we were playing stroke play or match play. We had never considered that we might be playing match play because we knew it was an 18-hole match and because “Sign Boy” was keeping score with red and black numbers. It was determined that we were indeed playing stroke play, and, while David’s demeanor did not change, it was obvious that he actually did not want to lose to anybody, especially not three hacks like us.

At this point we all got as close as any human beings ever could to understanding what it must be like to be Tiger Woods: we were beating David Duval, we knew that it would be VERY difficult for us to lose, and he knew it too. I believe that we even got to see a little of the “Tiger effect” in action as David began to play in a manner (either because he didn’t really care or because he knew he was beat) that was inconsistent with his normal style. He tried to hit shots that were far too aggressive and, as we made par after par, our lead began to grow even larger.

On the par 5 11th both Bob and me actually out drove David when he popped up his tee shot while really going after one. However, the next time we took out the driver (on the long par 4 14th) we found out exactly why David is a tour pro and we are dreamers. After my partners goofed off on their tee shots (my brother even requesting David and “Sign Boy” to react in awe of his drive for the photographer) leaving me almost all alone against Duval, I gave it everything I had and ripped one down the middle. David then stepped up and stoked a drive with all the apparent effort of a Fred Couples practice swing. When we got down to our balls I was embarrassed to find that David’s drive (300 yards into the wind with almost no roll) had out distanced me by about 50 yards. When I asked David if that was really his ball all the way up there he said with a smile, “Yeah, I hit that pretty good, you hit yours like a girl!”

By the time we got to the famous island green 17th hole we were up by 7 shots and even Jean Van De Velde would have had a VERY difficult time finding a way to lose. Things got so bad that “Sign Boy” had actually (either accidentally or on purpose) fallen behind in how far over par (5) David really was. However, there was still time for plenty of dramatics. Brad, lacking much confidence after having hit 4 shots in the pond the day before, plopped a brand new sleeve of balls down next to his tee ball in morbid preparation for his inevitable shot in the water. Bob, who was so pumped up all day we though that he might implode, hit a gigantic pitching wedge to the very back of the island green and then holed the putt himself for a natural two. David was so caught off guard by my brother’s Tiger-like fist pump that he left his birdie putt short.

The 18th hole provided the perfect ending to our day in fantasyland. After I pounded a drive that barely kept up with David’s 3-wood, Brad holed a 40-foot curler that was so dead in the hole that I tackled him in celebration before the ball had actually dropped. We had beaten David Duval. No, actually, we had DESTROYED David Duval, 68-77.

After David graciously posed for more pictures and signed everything that everyone had requested, I took this rare opportunity to tell David about my “world-renown” website www.TigerWoodsisGod.com (where I am the Pastor of the First Church of Tiger Woods and which has been featured in these pages before). Like his good friend Tiger before him, David seemed rather (understandably) confused by the concept of an Internet church devoted to Tiger Woods. When I asked if he thought there was any chance that Tiger was indeed divine he flatly said, “No.” I was disappointed, but not surprised.

My best guess is that David Duval must hold onto the belief that Tiger is merely human if he is to have any chance to beat him. Clearly he is in a state of pragmatic denial. I totally understand and respect David’s desire to deny Tiger’s divinity, but after playing 18 holes with Duval I can tell you that, while he is much more friendly than advertised, HE is in fact most certainly (like everyone else on Tour futilely chasing Tiger) a mere mortal doomed to a career of pursuing second place.

Tiger made a great move not going to that silly memorial service for Payne Stewart the day before the tournament began. While most of the American players were crying and hitting golf balls in to the Pacific Ocean (what was THAT all about?!), Tiger and his pal Mark O’Meara were out getting ready (mentally and physically) for the tournament. I do not believe that it is a coincidence that the American players (other than Tiger) played rather poorly. BTW, how ridiculous was it that Tiger got questioned/criticized for skipping the memorial service when no one had the politically incorrect gall to ask those who WENT why they did or whether they felt stupid hitting a golf ball into the ocean? And why didn’t anyone ask Sergio Garcia why he wore knickers during the first round when he barely even knew Payne Stewart?

–Another reason the American players seemed to play worse than the European players is that the Americans appear to be even MORE intimidated by Tiger than the those who don’t see him all the time. Quite simply, the American players KNOW that they can’t “hang” with Tiger and they come up limp when his new gets on top of the leaderboard. There seems to be something truly primal going on here. The are certain members of the animal kingdom whose most dominant male member of a particular group actually physically grows larger while the less dominant males of the group actually shrink once they are no longer the biggest guy on the block. Quite literally, the rest of the PGA Tour is shrinking in the face of Tiger’s dominance! To put it another way, it seems kind of like a man trying to have sex with a woman he knows used to date Tommy Lee or Shack O’Neil, he knows he won’t be able to measure up on his best day so he ends up coming up even “shorter” than normal. That is the definition of intimidation!

–Did anybody else feel it was strange the way the NBC handled Tiger’s blast of profanity after he hit the ball in the ocean on the 18th on Saturday morning? After hooking his tee shot into the Pacific Tiger clearly yelled, “God Damn it, you fucking prick!” Tiger was asked about this and he apologized (wouldn’t it have been great if he had said that he just wanted to hit HIS ball into the Pacific since the media wanted him to participate so badly in that memorial service and that he was just damning God for having taken Payne Stewart so soon?), but when NBC showed the tape a couple of times later in the day they omitted the audio portion and made no mention of it. Was Tiger’s profanity (shocking!) a story or not NBC? Make up your mind!

–The TV ratings were once again phenomenal for this US Open, dramatically outpacing even last year’s thrilling finish. Which is more incredible, that a man (maybe he’s a man) won the U.S. Open by 15 shots or that a golf telecast with ABSOLUTELY NO DRAMA had ratings comparable to the NBA finals? As few as four years ago I never thought I would live to see the day that either event could POSSIBLY happen.

–When Tiger won the 1997 Masters by 12 shots did you ever think that it was possible that he could top that performance (especially at a U.S. Open)? Well, suddenly the 1997 Masters doesn’t look quite so awesome anymore!

–Are you not now convinced that something greater is going on here with Tiger? Are you not now ready to officially convert to the First Church?

Advantages of Tiger Over Jesus

– Jesus must take at least some responsibility for the Crusades, corrupt Popes, child-molesting Priests, evolution-denying Creationists, and phony Televangelists. Tiger must take responsibility for making an occasional triple bogie, not letting Fuzzy Zoeller off the hook sooner, making too much money, a couple of swing-change-induced slumps, and losing to Ed Fiori at the 1996 Quad City Classic.

– Since his own death, millions of people have died sometimes-gruesome deaths directly or indirectly because of Jesus. To this day, NO ONE is known to have died in ANY manner because of Tiger Woods.

– We have no idea EXACTLY when or where Jesus was born, and most of us incorrectly believe it was somewhere in Bethlehem (scholars are almost universally convinced it was in Nazareth). We KNOW that Tiger was born on December 30th, 1975 in Cypress, California.

– We have no audio, video, or even handwriting samples to prove that Jesus even existed. We have video of almost every major moment of Tiger’s life since he was born.

– Jesus lived in a time period in which the smartest living people thought that a flat earth was created in six days, had never heard of dinosaurs, DNA, dustmites or Denmark, had no clean water, indoor plumbing, or electricity, and who never even conceived of traveling on anything faster than a camel or communicating with anything better than calligraphy. Tiger lives in a nation and an age where (except in West Virginia and some parts of the deep south) even the dumbest people are far more advanced than that.

– Jesus was supposedly sent by God to spread his word and yet he lived at a time of no mass communication, meaning that not only would there be no reliable way to record his life, but that it would be at least 30 years after his DEATH before anyone even tried. Tiger’s life just happens to coincide with the worldwide mass communication revolution.

– Jesus was turned on by his followers in favor of Barabbas and was crucified. Tiger was turned on by his followers at the 1999 PGA Championship in favor of Sergio Garcia and won the tournament anyway.

– The Bible says that Jesus had crowds of up to 4-5,000 (not including women and children) following him as he preached. Tiger routinely draws that kind of audience when he plays a practice round at a regular Tour event.

– At 30 Jesus was totally unknown and penniless. At 30 Tiger is worth hundreds of millions of dollar, already opened up a 25 million dollar youth learning center, won 12 major championships and is far bigger in Asia than Jesus will ever be.

– From a purely objective perspective, exactly what did Jesus accomplish during his life? Sure, he changed some water into wine, fed a hungry crowd with a picnic basket, healed a few sick people, and created a small band of loyal and passionate supporters. Not bad, but as a carpenter from Nazareth he really wasn’t under a whole lot of pressure from expectations. Under more pressure than any athlete in the history of man, Tiger’s accomplishments already stack up favorably and he has MANY more followers than Jesus ever dreamed of having during his lifetime.

– Jesus’ ethnic heritage is of some debate and is almost certainly confined in its origin to the Middle East. Tiger is filled, literally, with the blood of the world. Tiger is one-quarter African, one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-eighth Caucasian, and one-eighth American Indian. He refers to himself as “Cablainasian.”

– Jesus’ earthy father (Joseph) stayed with his mother even though she told him she was pregnant by the Holy Ghost. Tiger’s parents were smart enough to split.

– Tiger’s peers (an arrogant and jaded group) seem a heck of a lot more impressed with him than Jesus’ peers ever were (at least during his life).

– Jesus washed the feet of his Apostles to show his humility and serventhood. Tiger caddied for his good friend Jerry Chang for 36 holes in 100 degree heat,washing his clubs and balls along the way (much more humbling for a man than just washing feet).

– Those closest to Jesus: a bunch of fishermen and a prostitute. Those closest to Tiger: Mark O’Meara, Michael Jordan, Ken Griffey, Jr., Charles Barkely, Steve Williams, and Elin Woods.

– Jesus was crucified and died a horrible death. Tiger was heavily criticized for changing his swing and then proved everyone (including the Pastor of the First Church of Tiger Woods) wrong.

Tiger Woods (After winning the 2001 Masters): “The Golfing Gods are looking down on me.”

Tiger Woods (Before the 2001 Masters): “No matter what happens, the sun will come up on Monday.”

Tiger Woods (on why he needs to thank his parents): “Well, I GUESS they created me.”

Earl Woods (on Tiger’s conception): “I guess that WAS one lucky night, huh?!!”

Earl Woods (reacting to Tiger’s blond hair): “Oh my GOD, what has he done now?!”

Tida Woods (Tiger’s mother): “He is the UNIVERSAL CHILD.”

Butch Harmon (Tiger’s “teacher”): “Tiger is VERY blessed.”

Davis Love III (Tour Player) “Something is obviously going on with Tiger that is not going on with the rest of us.”

Johnny Miller (On NBC at Bay Hill 2002): “Like Moses …he (Tiger) parted the Red Sea and everyone else just drown.”

Geoff Ogilivy (Tour player): “Tiger is the the KING.”

Grant Waite (Tour Player): “Tiger is a Zen Master.” “Maybe out there in some other universe some guy can this. But in this one, where we are, nobody has ever stepped into a pair of golf shoes and played the game like he has.”

Paul Azinger (Tour player in 2001): “Tiger is superhuman. It is weird. It is actually kind of freaky.”

Paul Azinger (in 2006 as ABC announcer): “There is just something about him that makes him super-human.”

Michael Jordan (Tiger’s friend): “I really do believe he was put here for a bigger reason than just to play golf. I don’t think that he is a god, but I do believe that he was sent by One.”

Charles Barkley (Tiger’s friend): “They (other tour players) are afraid of the BLACK JESUS.”

Paul Goydos (Tour player) “Who’s caught up with Tiger?Who is this person? I haven’t met him yet. All it looks like to me is Tiger’s catching up with God.”

Charlie Sifford (African-American Senior Tour Player): “He’s God’s gift to the game.”

Curtis Strange (ABC Announcer): “Trevino said years ago ‘God didn’t give one golfer everything.’ Well, that was before Tiger Woods came about.He’s not only very good at everything, he’s probably one of the top three in every category right now.He’s got the total, total package.”

Robert Seigel (NPR commentator):”Woods is an athlete whose successes are so spectacular as to suggest more the improbable exploits of a sports-fiction hero than a creature of real life.”

Pete McDaniel (golf writer): “Earl’s encouraging words to Tiger — “let the legend grow” — continue to resonate as Tiger stalks every record the game holds sacred and unattainable. That his aura continues to expand, too, is a natural phenomenon. Just like the man himself.”

Tom Watson (Tour Legend): “He plays golf Supernaturally.”

Mark Calcavecchia (Tour player): “He is the Chosen One.”

David Feherty (CBS Announcer): “He’s not from our solar system.” “Watching Tiger, a lot of times, it’s like witnessing a miracle.” “I don’t know what Tiger is, but I know that there weren’t TWO of them on Noah’s Ark.”

Hal Sutton (after beating Tiger at the TPC): “I was lying in bed and I said, ‘You know what? I’m not praying to Tiger. He is not a God. He’s human just like I am.’”

Casey Martin (after winning his Supreme Court case and being asked about Tiger’s supposed lack of support): “God’s a lot bigger than Tiger. If

God was going to provide for me, he didn’t need Tiger.”

Rocco Mediate (Tour Player): “He’s not human.”

Luke Donald (in 2006): “He has a great mental belief in himself. He’s obviously got a good game, but he just kind of wills it in the hole.”

Ernie Els (Tour Player): “He’s kind of a freak, you know?”

Mark O’Meara (Tiger’s best friend on tour): “He never stops amazing me with these un-GODly shots he hits.”

Jack Nicklaus (currently the greatest player who ever lived): “It is an honor to be compared with Tiger Woods.” “There is only one Tiger Woods… He’s an amazing young man.”

Earl (Tiger’s earthly father): “He is the Chosen One. He’ll have the power to impact nations. The world is just getting a taste of his power.”

Tiger (asked “if God said you could only win ONE major, which would it be?”): “the way I am, I’d argue with Him and say, “Why can’t I have all four?’”

Tiger (after 1996 Masters, his last as an amateur): “It is here that I have left my youth behind and became a man.”

Tiger (in 1996 after winning his third straight U.S. Amateur): “I’m going to celebrate like HELL tonight.”

Tiger (on willing things to happen to win that title): “That birdie putt on the 35th hole at Pumpkin Ridge. I knew it was going in. I gave it no choice.”

Tiger (on Jack Nicklaus): “We have an understanding of each other… it’s inherent. I definitely sense something when I’m around him. We’re a lot alike.”

Tiger (On his relationship with Jack in 2006): “It’s a bond without saying anything. It’s a weird deal. It’s a weird feeling I get from him because we just understand each other.”

Tiger (on the truth): “I always come from the truth. I’ve learned you can always come from the truth, but you don’t have to tell the whole truth.”

Tiger (on the Fuzzy Zoeller incident): “I forgive, but I don’t forget.”

Tiger (on his mortality): I am just like you guys. I’m a human being, and all I do is chase a little white ball around.”

Tiger (on his life to date): “The best year of my life was when I was eleven. I got straight A’s, had two recesses a day, and the cutest girlfriend, and won thirty-two tournaments that year. Everything’s been downhill since.”

Tiger (in 1995 on being a role model for blacks): “I feel I have an obligation to serve as a role model to EVERYONE, regardless of color.”

Tiger (in 1997 on his purpose): “I am in a very unique position where a lot of kids look up to me because I’m around their age group. And I think if I can influence their lives in a positive way, then I believe that’s what the BIG GUY IN THE SKY had intended for me.” “I think I understand why the BIG GUY UP IN THE SKY has given me some of these talents, and I think the main reason is to help people.”

Tiger (on teaching kids golf): “I am not trying to preach to them that this is ‘a sport for you.’ I’m saying, ‘This is an opportunity for you to grow as a person.’I think that is what really matters.”

Tiger (on the Columbine massacre): “What we have forgotten is our values and morals and understanding of proper respect; a lot of kids aren’t taught that.”

Tiger (on race relations): “We’re making progress slowly but surely.”

Tiger (on the power of the subconscious): “I’ve learned to trust the subconscious. My instincts have never lied to me.”

Tiger (on religion): “I believe in Buddhism. Not every aspect of it, but most of it, but most of it. So I take bits and pieces. I don’t believe that human beings can achieve ultimate enlightenment, because humans have flaws. I don’t want to get rid of all my wants and desires. I can enjoy material things, but that doesn’t mean I need them.”

Tiger (on what he believes in): “I believe in what I can do with a golf ball.”

Tiger (on flaws of humanity): “I really don’t believe that there is such a thing as perfection, because we are human. We are all technically imperfect, so how can we ever achieve perfection?”

Tiger (on self love): “If you truly love yourself, then obviously everything will be okay.”

Tiger (on mental toughness): “I think your mind will carry you. The mind controls controls the body. So if the mind tells the body what to do, it’ll do it. It’s just a matter of getting the mind under control to make your body respind. Ans under the most extreme circumstances, when the competition is that fierce and that heightened and my concentration is that high, I feel like I can make things happen.”

Tiger (on golf): “That’s what golf is, the struggle with the internal DEMONS. That is why I love it.”

Tiger (on his success): “I’ve been very blessed.”

Jesus: Was visited by three “Wise Men” at birth causing the King (Herod) to call for the deaths of all of those in his Kingdom under the age of two.

Tiger: At age of two visited three “Wise Crackers” (Mike Douglas, Bob Hope, and Jimmy Stewart) on TV. Arnold Palmer (the “King”) never won another regular tour event after Tiger’s conception.

Jesus: His birthday is celebrated on December 25th, but no one really knows when he was actually born.

Tiger: His birthday is celebrated on December 30th (a convenient date for an easy calendar switch from A.D. to P.T.) because that is the day he was actually born.

Jesus: There is some confusion about the nature of his conception. According to some Christian sects, his parents never had sex.

Tiger: There is some confusion about the nature of his conception. According to everyone, Tiger’s parents no longer have sex (they don’t live together) and Tiger thanked them at the ESPYs “because I GUESS they created me.”

Jesus: Kind of an “only” child (Bible says he had “brothers and sisters” but Catholics don’t except because it messes up the “virgin” Mary thing).

Tiger: Kind of an “only” child (has two half-brothers and a half sister, but no one ever mentions them because they were Earl’s “practice sent by God as training” for Tiger).

Jesus: When he was alive the people of his time were strictly forbidden to utter the name of Yahweh or Jehovah.

Tiger: Many caddies on the PGA Tour are currently strictly forbidden from uttering the name “Tiger.”

Jesus: Liked to work with wood.

Tiger: Likes to work with metal woods.

Jesus: Was well known for walking long distances while amazing the ever growing crowds with his miraculous actions.

Tiger: Is well known for walking long distances while amazing the ever growing crowds with his miraculous actions.

Jesus: Had a special place in his heart for children.

Tiger: Has a special place in his heart for children.

Jesus: His most important day of the week is Sunday.

Tiger: His most important day of the week is Sunday.

Jesus: Suffered discrimination because of his race.

Tiger: Suffered discrimination because of his race.

Jesus: Grew up “middle class,” money never his goal.

Tiger: Grew up “middle class,” money never his goal.

Jesus: Probably had dark skin.

Tiger: Has dark skin.

Jesus: Liked alliteration in his women (Mary Magdalene).

Tiger: Likes alliteration in his women (Joanna JaGODa).

Jesus: Came after someone else whom everyone at the time thought was the closest thing to God they would ever see (Moses).

Tiger: Came after someone else whom everyone at the time thought was the closest thing to God they would ever see (Nicklaus).

Jesus: Liked to go over water to perform his miracles.

Tiger: Likes to go over water to perform his miracles.

Jesus: Was known to have an explosive temper.

Tiger: Is known to have an explosive temper.

Jesus: Was crucified for claiming to be God.

Tiger: Was verbably crucified for changing his swing.

Jesus: Is said to have risen from the dead.

Tiger: Has risen several times from apparent “death.”

Jesus: Jesus, five letters.

Tiger: Tiger, five letters.

Jesus: Jesus Christ, two syllables, one syllable.

Tiger: Tiger Woods, two syllables, one syllable.

Jesus: Did some of his best work in the desert.

Tiger: Does some of his best work in the desert.

Jesus: Liked to fish, wasn’t a pro.

Tiger: Likes to fish, isn’t a pro.

Jesus: Is known by roughly half the world’s population.

Tiger: Is known by roughly half the world’s population.

Jesus: Media darling.

Tiger: Media darling.

Jesus: He gets his most attention in April every year.

Tiger: He gets his most attention in April every year.

Jesus: Never said he was God, never said he wasn’t.

Tiger: Has never said he is God, never said he isn’t.