Archive for June, 2001

One of the many aspects of organized religion that has always confused and frustrated the Pastor of the First Church of Tiger Woods is that most religions fail to embrace sexuality, and often (as in the case of the Pastor’s original faith, Catholicism) reject sexuality as being as being somehow evil, except in very restricted circumstances. After all, the Pastor reasons, if God really created us, and he chose sexuality as the way for us to continue that creative process (not to mention that fact that he made it feel SO good), then sexuality should be a positive aspect of any working notion of the Almighty.

Once again, the possible divinity of Tiger Woods fits perfectly with this philosophy. Unlike most other “Messiahs,” he is not only worshiped by millions, but he is also lusted after as well. The true magnitude of this reality became clear to the Pastor when his own sister (happily married with a two year old daughter) made it quite clear to her husband that she would leave him for Tiger in a heartbeat if she had the opportunity. She even went so far as to assure him that being known as the husband that got dumped for Tiger Woods would help him greatly in finding a new mate and that it would be a “win, win” situation for everyone involved.

Here are just a few of the many reasons (other than the fact that he is VERY rich, famous, and good looking) that Tiger is a legitimate sex symbol.

– He is longer and straighter than any other man has ever been.

– He has a very soft touch around the “hole.”

– He uses an extremely stiff “shaft.”

– He never has any problem getting it “up” fast and high.

– He seems to get it in the hole with very little effort.

– He never gets the “yips” with his “putter.”

– He is almost never short with his putter.

– He has no fear of success. When he does well on one “hole” he simply wants to do even better on the next.

– He has great endurance and seems to get better as the “round” goes along.

– He never “loses it” under pressure.

– He is not afraid to “take it deep,” or “go low.”

– He has already “played” most the world’s most beautiful “courses.”

– He does even better on the “challenging” courses than he does on the “easy” ones. In fact, he usually doesn’t even bother to play the easy ones.

– He usually returns to the courses on which he has played well in the past.

– He never fails to live up to the loftiest of expectations.

– People actually pay big money to play with his balls.

– Other rich, famous, usually powerful men seem to go literally limp when in his presence.

– He understands that his length and power mean nothing without control.

– He has as much control over his mind as he does his body.

– Chicks dig a guy who can make his club do anything he wants.

– When women cry out his name they may already be also moaning God’s as well.

– He is already the first “man” to have mastered the SECOND most mysterious endeavor for his gender (golf) and therefore would also present man’s greatest hope when it comes to unlocking the great mysteries of the MOST perplexing challenge they face (women).