While the media has ignored the really significant (and completely true) story that Tiger will not be hosting the AT&T National this year, they have been all over “reports” that he is in Mississippi receiving therapy for sex addiction. The latest “source” of this “news” (reported by even ESPN) is the author of a book on addicts that no one has ever heard of before.

But in case you doubt his credibility alone, he himself is citing an “unnamed source” as having tipped him off to this piece of bombshell information. Of course, we all know that anthing coming from “unnamed source” is inherently newsworthy.

Well, I can report here exclusively that, despite the excellent sourcing, this bit of “news” is inaccurate. I know this because numerous sources (who shall remain nameless) have told me so. I know the information is credible because it came in the form of an actual e-mail which was addressed to me specifically.

These sources told me that Tiger is NOT in Mississippi and is NOT in therapy for sex addiction. My unnamed sources tell me that Tiger is actually in North Dakota where he has become a member of the Standing Rock Sioux Indian tribe.

Apparently, in a nod to his Native American ancestry (he is part “Indian” through his Father), is attempting to regain control of his life by “giving himself completely to the earth,” and, according to one of my sources, has denied himself all pleasures of the flesh. He is reportedly living on little more than wheat, corn, water and the occasional bison his is able to bring in on his own. My sources tell me that he has not picked up a golf club since his now infamous car accident, but has apparently quickly become one of the best archers in the tribe. While they could not confirm this information, one of my sources told me exclusively that Tiger’s new Indian name  is Lootah Chunta, which means “One who wears red and cheats.” I am told that his only indulgence is an occasional visit, in disguise, to the Standing Rock tribe’s casino.

My sources do not expect him to return to golf this year and, unless he leaves the tribe, is probably finished with the game for good.

Developing…

You wouldn’t know it from the lack of media attention (rather ironic given the grotesque overplaying of many items that have surely been made up during this saga), but the announcement today that AT&T has dumped Tiger as an endorser is potentially by far the most significant news since the scandal broke over a month ago.

The reason that this development is so important is that the PGA tour announced that Tiger will NOT be the host of this year’s AT&T National on July 4th weekend.

This is shocking news because there are only two rational interpretations of this event. Either Tiger has no intention of returning to golf by July, or the PGA Tour has decided to strip Tiger of his title as a punishment of sorts.

Quite simply, no other scenario  makes sense. If he were to come back before July there is no chance he would agree to play in a tournament that would so publicly humiliate him and yet he couldn’t blow off the tournament that still benefits his foundation. Since it would seem suicidal for the PGA Tour to piss Tiger off with this type of action against his will, the most likely explanation is that Tiger has made it known that he will not be playing golf in July, which, in itself, should be MAJOR news.

It should also be noted that if he already knows that he will not be playing in July, then it seems to me that it quite possible that he will not play at all in 2010.

Regardless, it is hard to imagine how the AT&T National remains “Tiger’s Tournament” in the long run after this kind of slight, especially when the home course (Congressional Country Club) had very l;ittel interest in hosting it even before the Tiger scandal broke.

This development is is extremely significant and marks the first essentially permenant stain on Tiger’s long term legacy and viability.

Happy New Year.

Today is Tiger’s 34th birthday and it will obviously be the worst one of his life.

When I was still Pastor of the now defunct “First Church of Tiger Woods” I always feared that Tiger, like many other great talents, would die far too early. I was most concerned about the year he was 33, which has taken several important historical figures. I always assumed that if Tiger died it would be in a car accident. I just never figured that it would be his reputation which would be killed off because of a car accident while he was 33, but that is indeed what has ended up happening.

While real news surrounding the Tiger scandal has pretty much stopped for now, it is interesting to note that for the first time in memory The Golf Channel is NOT officially doing “Tiger Week” to celebrate his birthday, though they are running a lot of Tiger-related programing. Gee, I wonder why. Just one of the hundreds of things that have happened in the last month that I never thought were possible.

Meanwhile, I understand Osama bin Laden has been trying to get in touch with Tiger to get tips on how not to be found.

The more I think about it, the more certain I am that my 90% prediction that Tiger will not play in the Masters is very sound. He needs to inflict some real pain on himself for both his wife and the public to forgive him. Without at least giving up a Masters in his prime, then this “break” will be seen as just a hollow attempt to finally take some of the fire out of the story. If I had to predict when he returns I would say either the Ryder Cup or his own Chevron Challenge, one year after the downfall began. I still think a more permanent “retirement” could be in store.  

 Forgetting the marriage for a moment, from a golf and PR perspective, I think Tiger needs to take enough time off where people are publicly begging him to come back. This way the expectations for when he returns will be much lower (because of the long, unprecedented, self-imposed layoff) and it will likely make the inevitable circus surrounding his return at least somewhat manageable because the story will no longer be fresh and the tabloids will have mostly moved on by then.

Assuming Tiger takes this approach, Elin stays with him, and his golf game returns (all very big ifs) I am beginning to think that Tiger may emerge from this different, but in some ways stronger and better than ever. He will never be worth of the same sort of worship again (those the pending end of this web site) but he could still end up being, in some ways, “bigger” than he has ever been. In fact, if he were a stock, I would buy Tiger Woods right now. Since he has fallen so low his upside is much larger than his downside.

As ticked off and disappointed as I still am with Tiger, there are others in this story that also deserve to be castigated. Many of them are members of the news media who were mostly either absolutely irresponsible or completely gutless. Almost no one got it exactly right, though, to my shock, The Golf Channel, after a very slow start, actually has done a pretty good job of covering what could end up being their own funeral.

A special place in hell (if there is such a place) should be reserved for all of those black commentators who tried to make Tiger’s choice of mistresses into a race issue all so they could increase their own profile by inserting themselves into the circus. Tiger is NOT “Black.” He is more Asian than Black and almost as Caucasian as Black. He has always called himself “Cablainasian.” To think he has any obligation to take up “Black” causes is almost as absurd as blaming a man for race of woman he finds attractive. If Tiger can be criticized for anything in this particular area it should be the relative ugliness and scankiness of his mistresses, not their race.

Speaking of the media, when did TMZ and Radar Online become reputable news sources for allegedly legitimate organizations? While I am sure they have gotten some things in this story first and correct, I am equally sure that a lot of what they have reported is completely made up. For instance, TMZ reported that Tiger told a friend that he had to go get Elin a “Kobe Special” because she had gone “ghetto” on him. This was ridiculous on many levels and obviously fraudulent. Not only would Tiger never use that type of language in this situation, but no one that close to the inner circle would ever tell that to TMZ because they would be immediately excommunicated. Will TMZ ever retract such nonsense? Of course not.

I am particularly suspicious of TMZ because it seems very clear that they have some sort of arrangement (official or unofficial) with Gloria Allred to help facilitate a pay off by Tiger to her client. Some of their reports appear to have been written by Allred herself. And yet many members of the “lamestream” media still pick up their reports as if they are inherently credible.

The worst offender from the group of media who used to have actual journalistic standards has been NBC. On both the Today Show (in a live nine minute interview) and Dateline NBC they interviewed a woman who claimed to be one of Tiger’s mistresses. This act violated journalistic ethics in numerous ways.     

First, while NBC claimed on the Today Show that they did not pay for the interview, what they reported on Dateline indicates that this may only be technically accurate. Secondly, the only evidence that she ever had an affair with Tiger was a couple of innocuous photos of what she claims were the inside of his house. Thirdly, since when is it remotely “news” when a woman claims to have sex with a married sports star who has already admitted “transgressions” in his marriage and who isn’t even accused of any crimes?

The answer is clearly: never. In this case the ratings were just too good to resist. Journalism died with the 2008 Presidential election, but the Tiger Woods story has buried the casket.     

The media intensity of this story has exceeded (largely because of the emergence of the Internet) that of the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal and that involved the President of the United States and numerous felonies.

Perhaps an even better analogy (one that was used in the latest SNL), is that of John Edwards who had a love child with a woman on his campaign payroll while he was running for President and his wife was dying of cancer. Even though Edwards’ “transgressions” were far worse than Tiger’s and were also first reported in National Enquirer, they were never repeated by the mainstream until his campaign was long over.

So golf is much bigger news than a Presidential election? Actually, Tiger’s story was just much sexier and didn’t involve bringing down a liberal politician. 

But John Edwards isn’t the only one who has to be looking at this madness and thinking, “Damn, I had it easy.”

Arnold Palmer, who was a notorious womanizer, Phil Mickelson, who has long had some freaky stories in his closet, Nick Faldo who once (for sure) had a girlfriend take an iron to his automobile in anger, and Greg Norman, whose much romanticized marriage with the wife of his former friend’s wife, Chris Evert, lasted only fifteen months, all have to be at least a little thankful they never reached Tiger’s level of stardom.

I am still angry at Tiger, but the level to which he is being treated differently than anyone else ever has already started to create a bit of a backlash in his direction.

Well, as I have been predicting on numerous radio shows for the past few days, Tiger Woods is “retiring” from golf. Notice I didn’t say “taking an indefinite leave of absence.” Make no mistake; this is a retirement of sorts.

 Those in the media who were delusionally holding on to the now absurd notion that Tiger could have ever come back and played on the tour in January, are now laughably claiming that by the Masters everything will be back to “normal.” Baloney. It might not be permanent, but this is not a John McCain suspends his campaign indefinitely moment. Tiger Woods is essentially retired (in the modern sports definition of the word) from golf.  This is not a “break,” this is a “break up.”  

 Why am I so sure? Let me count the ways.

 First, what is the remotely logical scenario where he comes back by March/April? For that to happen, his effective “time with the family” would be all of two months (because he would never come back without his golf game being in top shape, especially now, and there will no ability for him to keep even a semblance of game while fixing his life/marriage, especially if, as reported, he will be in Sweden). Two months would obviously not be enough time to heal the wounds in his family and it certainly wouldn’t be effective as a PR stunt (which, btw, I don’t believe this is).

 Coming back at the Masters is a total non starter from both a golf as well as a logistical perspective. You can’t possibly take over four months off, have your life turned upside down and compete at the Masters. It’s impossible. Plus, the membership at Augusta National would not appreciate the absolute circus that will surely ensue if and when Tiger ever does return to action.

 So, once he misses the Masters (which I am 90% certain he will) and sets the precedent that he has missed a major (something he didn’t do even after his father died), when would he come back?

Well, at that point all bets are off because, as imbecilic as it sounds, the longer it takes him to return, the longer it will take him to return. What I mean by that is that for him to be ready after a month layoff it might take him a week of heavy practice, two months/two weeks, three months/three weeks, etc.

 One of the many things non golfers don’t seem to understand is that there is a massive difference between practice golf and playing golf in a major tournament, especially since in this case he would be dealing with massive psychological trauma.

 This means that he can’t return at a major, or even the Players Championship in May, or else he will embarrass himself and allow the wolves to begin circling around his career.  Which tournament before the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach could possibly endure what would still be an exercise in media madness? Jack’s tournament? I doubt he would do that to Nicklaus. So now it becomes hard to see how he plays in the U.S. Open.

 The only tournament I see as a possible return for next year would be his own in D.C. in July. But one of the many potential problems there are that AT&T is the sponsor and they have already put out a statement saying they are “reevaluating” the relationship. Not only that, but the membership at Congressional Country Club wasn’t thrilled with hosting the tournament before the scandal broke.   

 If he goes into July, obviously St. Andrews would not be the place to go to reenter the golf world from either the golf or the tabloid perspective.

 Here is the bottom line. I think Tiger is being mostly sincere here. I think he is doing this honestly not having any idea when or even if he is returning. If there is a “strategy” here (other than saving his marriage, which may not even be possible at this point) it may be to take so much time off that the story eventually does die down a bit and maybe even reach the point where people are begging him to return. Once that happens, expectations and logistics would be far more manageable. In my view that won’t be until at least his own 2010 December tournament (assuming it still exists), which he just blew off.

 One of the most difficult parts of predicting any of this is that there is a great potential for the environment to change dramatically and instantly. If the marriage fails, if all his sponsors drop him, if the PGA ratings drop off the cliff and they start to lose tournaments, if his foundation tournaments collapse, all bets are off. But right now, I will be far more shocked if he plays in the 2010 Masters than if he doesn’t play at all in 2010 or even beyond.

Here are a few prominent articles from around the world on the Pastor’s decision to shut down the Church and this web site due to recent revelations of Tiger’s inappropriate behavior.

 http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5jqbabxyIfltGK6F9al-eICNRA5ag

http://www.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/6267041/18682894

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/blog/index?entryID=4708179&name=sobel_jason

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/lawrence-donegan-golf-blog/2009/dec/03/golf-tigerwoods1

http://www.nationalpost.com/related/topics/story.html?id=2302834

Here is one of a couple of television interviews that the Pastor has done to explain his decision:

http://tvnz.co.nz/close-up/tiger-woods-off-fairway-3225663/video

Here is a Los Angeles radio feature on the Pastor’s reaction:

http://www.knx1070.com/topic/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=4206967

Here is a column written by an apparent non golfer that seems to nail the situation pretty well:

http://www.startribune.com/sports/78739607.html?page=1&c=y

Here is an interesting analysis of the famous (infamous?) Sports Illustrated article which inspired the First Church. It correctly cocludes that “the machine won.”

http://deadspin.com/5422770/the-machine-won-10-preposterous-moments-from-sis-1996-tiger-woods-profile/gallery/

After several days of evaluation, I have decided to disband the First Church of Tiger Woods (as indicated by the graphics at the top of this web site) and I will not renew the TigerWoodsIsGod domain name when it expires in a couple of months. Any future commentary on this site (which may not happen at all) will be regarding Tiger’s failings in relation to his affair/accident debacle which continues to unfold almost by the hour.

Because the First Church of Tiger Woods has been in existence since late 1996 and this web site has been around since early 2000, you might think that such a decision might be difficult. In this case, it was not. Unfortunately, Tiger Woods has made it all to easy to realize that he is no longer worthy of any special admiration.   

The events of the past few days have revealed Tiger to be a serial adulterer, a blatant liar, and a selfish coward. While I am sure I will always respect his ability as a golfer, that was only a very small part of why this much misunderstood web site was created and why it became such a big part of my life. 

As I have documented in my columns below, Tiger is clearly no longer deserving of being seen as a role model or a hero and he has needlessly squandered his unique potential to be a positive force in our country and the world. While I am relatively sure that Tiger will make a comeback from this sad episode and that there will be great moments for him in the future, I personally am done with Tiger Woods and I doubt that I will even care very much about whatever else he might achieve on the golf course (for someone who once vowed to make sure he lived until he saw Tiger get to 19 major championships, I have a hard time believing I can write those words with such ease).

For the record , here are a list of Tiger’s “sins” that make it impossible for me to continue with this web site.

He has had multiple affairs with sleazy women while married to the mother of his children and he has, to this date, not told the truth about them.

He has lied about the circumstances surrounding his accident in an arrogant and insulting fashion.  

He has bailed on his own tournament and foundation just to shield himself from the media and lied about why he was doing doing so.

His silence to the police and the public has been an embarrassment to his fans and leaves us with no rational choice but to assume the very worst about what the truth really is.

In the end, this situation, like much of life is all about expectations. To whom much is given, much is expected. No one has ever been given more than Tiger and therefore our expectations for him were also unprecedented. He has failed to live up to those expectations and he has shattered a sacred trust that cannot be repaired. Therefore, Tiger Woods now has at least one less supporter. I am quite sure that I am not alone.

The very last hope that somehow all of this was just a really weird series of coincidences and that there may be some sort of explanation that would not permanently sully the character of Tiger Woods ended today when it was announced that he would not be even attending his own charity tournament this weekend.

Now, there is no doubt about it. Tiger Woods is a lying coward.

Even after all the missteps of the past couple of days, if Tiger had shown up, done his press conference, finally told the whole truth, played his guts out and donated his winnings to to his foundation, it would have been possible to forgive him and perhaps eventually restore him to his place atop the lofty pedestal that he alone had seemingly been to born to occupy. We learned today that is not going to happen. 

Why is he not going to be there? The “explanation” given is clearly drawn from the same pile of horse manure from which almost everything from the Woods camp on this issue has come. He claims on his web site that doctors have advised him not to travel because of headaches and soreness from the minor car “accident” he was in over three days ago. 

So let’s get this straight. Tiger was released from the hospital Friday morning in “good” condition with “minor” injuries when his agent pronounced him “fine,” and now he can’t fly in his own private jet?

Please, if you believe that then you must also buy that the most likely explanation for Elin taking a golf club to Tiger’s car the day after allegations of an affair are revealed was to try and “courageously” save him. Heck, even Tiger’s mother knows that didn’t happen!    

This is the guy who won the U.S. Open with a broken leg! Even last year when he was recovering from that injury he was at least at this tournament to give out the trophy (which, btw, won’t happen for another six days! Gee, I wonder why he has to make that call now? Is someone else using the jet this weekend?), but apparently his fear of the media and the truth is so great that he has decided to completely and selfishly stiff his own charity and blatantly lie about why he is doing so.   

Think about this. Tiger Woods has chosen to badly hurt his own tournament and foundation (which had already been harmed by his absence last year) all because he is afraid to answer questions from the media. It is really hard to fathom how such gutlessness can come from a guy who on the course seems to have nerves of steel. I guess Tiger’s true character had never really been tested until now and we just found out it has a glass jaw.

The only small caveat to all of this is that it would seem that part of the reason Tiger is afraid to speak to anyone is that he is concerned about exposing his wife to further embarrassment and perhaps legal jeopardy (a theory that, while widespread, seems to be more than a  bit of a stretch since Tiger would obviously be needed to testify for any potential assault charges to stick to Elin).

For the “Pastor,” this announcement is actually by far the most important thing that has happened since the crash. It is the first time that there have been real public consequnces  to what happened (and make no mistake, many people will be hurt directly and indirectly by Tiger’s cowardly decision) and it also seems to seal off any legitimate question about how much Tiger is trying to hide here. For him to repeatedly refuse to speak to police and to blow off his own tournament out of fear of the media you know the story he is protecting must be REALLY bad (good?). His decsion to not even show up also puts the lie to his absurd “this is all private assertio” that some suck-ups in the media are still using to protect him. Elemets of this story may have ben private before his withdraw, but anything that led to this development is now most certainly very much fair game.

The media angle here has been particularly fascinating.  Tiger is used to totally dictating to the pathetic golf/sports press the terms of all of his interactions. Usually, they need him way more than he needs them.  I thought it was possible that Tiger may be able to stonewall his way through this week’s tournament and have the Golf Channel (which is carrying half of the event) dutifully swallow his company line and pretend that nothing was amiss.

However, it now clear from today’s coverage that this tactic would not have worked and, considering the closeness of the relationship between the Orlando based Golf Channel and Tiger, this may have even contributed to his decision to dodge the coming circus that he could not have controlled.

I was stunned that in a Golf Channel special on the subject today Tiger was portrayed in a very negative light and while the affair allegations were still being kept in the closet, very strong implications in that direction were made. In the latest example of the bizarreness of this situation, Tiger’s biggest defender on the show was former O.J. Simpson attorney Robert Shapiro!. Much like when President Johnson lost Walter Cronkite on Vietnam, Tiger’s strategy has to be greatly impacted as it seems he is even losing his grip on the Golf Channel.

While it is obviously not nearly as important a development, Tiger has already lost the Pastor of the First Church of Tiger Woods and I am willing to bet that I am hardly the only one of his former fans who are shocked, angry and bitterly disappointed at the deceitful and cowardly actions that Tiger continues to take as he digs his hole deeper and deeper.

He is certainly avoiding short term discomfort and maybe even protecting some of the things he holds dearest in the long run, but he has unquestionably and probably permenently squandered our trust as well as any  reason to treat him differently than anything other than just another selfish and spoiled athlete.

I will be making an official announcement about the future of this web site shortly.

Tiger Woods finally released a somewhat substantive statement on the events of the past few days and it seems pretty clear to the “Pastor” that, unfortunately, Tiger is taking his game plan right out of Bill Clinton’s playbook.

 Instead of accepting the heartfelt advice I offered in my open letter to Tiger (see below), it seems that Tiger and his people have decided that, instead of telling the full truth, they are going to rely on the golfer’s power and celebrity and count on an impotent media and a gullible public to allow him to slither through the controversy.

 Parsing Tiger’s carefully worded statement is all too reminiscent of days of Clinton/Lewinsky/Impeachment.

 Tiger says “this situation is my fault.” Situation? What does that mean? In the world he wants us to believe exists, the only thing that happened here was a weird car accident in his own driveway. How is that a “situation”? Why didn’t he just say, “the crash was my fault”? And if that is really all that it was, why didn’t he give us some sort of explanation for why the world’s greatest athlete couldn’t manage to drive his own car out of his own driveway? Heck, I am sure it must be a pretty funny story. Why not humor us with that “truth”?

 He continues, “I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.” Obviously Tiger declaring that he is indeed human is of particular interest to the First Church and will certainly contribute to our impending decision to disband this website in light of this week’s revelations. But within the context of this “situation” that phrase is also important because it is essentially acknowledging the affair without actually doing so. Remember Clinton saying “I have made mistakes in my marriage”? This is the Tiger Woods equivalent.    

 As for the second part of that statement, what exactly is he going to make sure doesn’t happen again? Running over fire hydrants at 2:30 am???  So, what, is he finally going to hire a full-time driver?

 This is a classic case of trying to have it both ways. He wants us to believe that there is nothing more to this whole thing, but, if we are too smart to buy such absurdity, he has added just enough for us to go there, just as long as we agree to leave him alone and not expect any further explanation or accountability. In short, he is trying to thread the needle and, given the nature of the media (not to mention the Clinton precedent), he might just get away with it.

 Tiger continues channeling Bill Clinton when he later refers to this “situation” as a “private matter.” Since when is a car accident involving the world’s most famous athlete that takes out a fire hydrant, a “private matter”? Now, if he is talking about having sex with a “party girl” who is not his wife then that might be another matter, but he has, of course, not directly admitted doing that. .

 In the very same paragraph he does, however, (coincidentally I am sure) refer to the “rumors” that have been spread about his family. He calls them “irresponsible” but not “false” (though later he does claim that the allegation that Elin was not acting “courageously” when she busted his back window with a golf club are “false”).

 Again, this is quintessential Clinton. I am sure that at least some of the “reporting” (at TMZ for instance) has not been accurate, and so when you make this sort of blanket statement you are techincally telling the turth while also conveying a very false impression.      

 It seems pretty clear that Tiger is allowing himself to take a huge PR hit (I would have bet just about anything I would never hear the words “Tiger Woods refuses to talk to police, again”) in order to protect his wife from further embarrassment and possible legal charges. While this is in part admirable, if he had been more concerned with Elin’s well being when he decided to start screwing around on her, obviously none of this would have happened.

 It is also fairly obvious that Tiger (like Clinton did)  is going to attempt to continue to go about normal life without even having to answer any questions about what really happened here. With his tournament coming up this week you would think such a tactic would be impossible to pull off, but I have learned to never underestimate the gutlessness of the media when it comes to getting to the truth of the matter about one of their cash cows/darlings (see Barack Obama).

 Assuming he has the courage to show up this week (the statement seems to set the foundation for a pull out), Tiger will probably issue the verbal equivilant of his writen statement and declare that he is not going to answer any other questions on the matter. The pathetic golf press who literally owes what they eat to Tiger, will eagerly comply. While the entertainment media will object, but they will quickly move on to others matters.

 In the end, this gambit, while disgraceful, may work much like it did for Bill Clinton. It’s just that previous to this sad episode I had always held Tiger to a much higher standard than that.

Dear Tiger:

 First, let me acknowledge that, like many of your fans, I owe you a heck of a  lot. In fact, according to the book “Follow the Roar” I might not even be alive if it weren’t for having your inspiring play to look forward to during some very dark days in the mid 90’s after my mother was killed in a car accident.

 While that might be an exaggeration, there is no doubt that I have invested an awful lot of hope for humanity in you. I don’t think much of human beings and your awe-inspiring performances on the course and your flawless handling of unprecedented challenges off of it made me believe that maybe, just maybe, our species wasn’t a total waste of complex DNA.  

 In return for all of the amazing moments of exhilaration that you have given to me and millions of your other devoted fans, I have spent much of the last fourteen years completely dedicated to you. I have exhausted an uncountable number of hours watching and rooting for you and have put my personal credibility on the line (and probably lost jobs because of it) to create the largely misunderstood First Church of Tiger Woods and www.TigerWoodsIsGod.com.

 While I have been mocked by many (including many in my own family), I have never questioned or regretted my loyalty to you because I was so certain that you were the unique celebrity who actually deserved the lofty status of role model and even hero. In an era when an unsoiled celebrity was as rare as you shooting 80, you were the exception that gave us all some hope. I even convinced myself that you were poised to one day be the conservative/libertarian version of Obama and would eventually be President of the United States once you were done doing more important things like breaking all of Jack Nicklaus’ records.

 Now, after your “accident” early this morning I feel like a complete fool. I have apparently been duped and I am angry. Real angry.

 Tiger, it seems pretty clear now that you have been lying quite a bit.

 When the National Enquirer story came out saying you have been playing a “course” to which you didn’t have membership, I didn’t believe it (even though this was the type of story that the Enquirer is usually pretty good at; just ask John Edwards). Even if you were weak enough to cheat on the mother of your children, the “party girl” they connected you to seemed way too slutty and risky for you to ever be stupid enough to shack up with. I figured, at the very least, you had earned the benefit of the doubt.

 The moment that I heard about your “accident,” that doubt came to an instant end. While of course I was concerned for your health (I have always feared that, like many other prodigies in history, you would be taken from us far too early), once it was clear you were okay, the true magnitude of your betrayal began to really sink in.

 It was immediately obvious that the story that was being told in the media made no sense at all. The remarkably long delay from the time of the “accident” and any statement from your people meant that you were either dying/dead, or they were scrambling for a cover story. The one they apparently came up with didn’t even pass the laugh test (how much are you paying these people?!).

 Yes, I know, your many friends in the pathetic sports/golf media pretended to believe the tale that you somehow crashed your car into a fire hydrant for no apparent reason at 2:30 am and that the back window of the SUV was smashed because your wife Elin used a golf club to heroically save you from the crash (which was so minor that the airbags didn’t even deploy!). How they kept a straight face while reporting this bit of obvious fiction is almost remarkable as your epic 2008 U.S.  Open victory.  

 As of this writing, the media, amazingly, is largely still covering for you. But you should know that this will quickly change. The real story here is far too juicy for these gutless jackals who live off your coattails to possibly resist once someone finally breaks the damn with the truth.

 It is obvious that Elin was the one who created your injuries and who caused the car accident. She did not use the golf club to save you. She clearly did so out of anger over your infidelity (my fiance is now such a fan of her that she is considering selling “Team Elin” T-shirts at your tournament next week).

Your blatant lies are beneath who I thought you were and maybe the most embarrassing element of this whole mess you have created.  Depending on what you told the police, they may even be illegal.

 Legal issues might not even be the worst consequence you have to face for all of this. Wait until your mother gets a hold of you. She won’t need to be wielding a golf club to make you wish you been born without a penis.

 I still can’t believe that I am even writing about any of this. The only thing I was more certain about than your place as the greatest golfer of all time was that you would never embarrass your fans. Now you are insulting us with a humiliating series of lies. You are now no better than any other spoiled superstar who has been corrupted by the fame and fortune. I allowed myself to think you were different. Apparently, I was very wrong.

 I don’t want to believe any of this, but at this point you leave me with no other choice. If I am missing something here please give it up. Now.

 You may be tempted to try and keep the charade going and see if maybe a certain percentage of your fans, blinded by love, will still see your legacy as unsoiled, and that the media won’t finally turn on you. Please don’t take this path. Please be the man who defied all human limitations at Torrey Pines and not the broken coward who concocted a pathetic cover story while lying in his driveway bleeding from injuries apparently suffered from the hands of a scorned wife.

 Please call a press conference first thing Monday morning. Please take any and all questions. Please tell the full truth. Please don’t cry fake tears. Please don’t pull out of your tournament next week. Please don’t drag Elin and your kids there with you. Please apologize for your lies. Please promise to never let anything like this happen again. Please really mean it.

 I know that I am holding you to a higher standard than anyone else in sports, but, being rather stubborn and still in a bit of shock, I would still like to think you are worthy of such treatment. I was wrong once and that will be tough enough to recover from. Please don’t prove me wrong again.